At the Edge of the Nameless Wood

After months in a difficult, nameless stretch, I'm finding my way back toward creativity, community, and the next shape of Alphanie Artistry.

I have been quiet since early April.

There have been a couple of shorter check-ins on my personal Facebook, but this is the fuller version - the one that explains where I have been, why Alphanie Artistry has been MIA, and what may be changing as I find my footing again.

But first, context. In Through The Looking Glass, Alice ventures into a wood where things have no names. Once into the wood, even the familiar becomes difficult to recognize. She cannot name the creatures around her, unable to make sense of where she is, and for a time, cannot remember herself clearly enough to say who, or even what she is.

That has been the closest thing I have found to describe where I have existed these past couple months. I have been walking the Nameless Wood.

Not simply "lost" in a poetic, wistful sort of way. More like I could not recognize my own body's actions, my capacity, my work ethic, or the shape of an ordinary day. Rarely could I name what I was experiencing accurately, nor why the things that matter deeply to me - creating, working events, making art, showing up - it had all become out of reach.

And yet, I kept moving.

The Migraine Maze

After a POTS/tachycardia ER episode April 17, I entered a stretch of daily debilitating migraines that changed nearly everything about my capacity and ability to function.

There were four ER visits after all was said and done - each one with different imaging taken, followed by specialists, medication attempts, and a lot of waiting to see what my body would do next. I do not want to turn this into a deep dive, but the basis is that the migraines took up space, energy, and the creative capacity I have always relied on to decompress and come back to center.

They also left me flailing attempting to discover my new baseline all the while the ground beneath keeps shifting.

At the moment, I have gone roughly a week and a half without a migraine - THANK THE GODDESS. That does not, however, mean everything is solved. I am far from being back to where my baseline was, and likely I will not see that baseline again. What it does mean is that I am beginning to appreciate the moments I am able to find the room to breathe again.

A new Map

During all of this, I also received my official autism and CPTSD diagnosis. While not surprising in the least, it was DEEPLY validating.

For a long time, I have been trying to understand where CPTSD ends and autism begins, or whether the things I experience belong to one, the other, or both. The answer, for me, is both. That knowledge does not erase the hard parts, nor does it hand me a new instruction manual. I can move forward with this new information about myself to begin allowing myself permission to adapt differently than I have before. Giving me room to stop treating every difficulty I come across as some moral failure, lack of discipline, or proof that I am not trying hard enough.

The answer at this point is not "push harder", its "Time to redraw your map".

The First Small Sign

Yesterday was Litha (and fathers day!), and for the first time since early April, I actually made a sketch.

An axolotl rogue; sneaky, clever, a little mischievous, and a legit fitting creature to greet me at the edge of the Nameless Wood.

While this simple cutie may not be a grand declaration that I am fully back, it was a return. A relief. It was the quiet realization that my creative capacity is still in there somewhere. Stiff from disuse perhaps, a touch uncertain, but definitely not gone.

What this means for Alphanie Artistry

Right now, I would describe my business as work pending: not abandoned or closed, but in a season of finding a new sustainable baseline.

I do not yet know whether in-person events will be affected long-term, or what they may look like going forward. For now, event inquiries are being handled on a case by case basis while I learn what my current health can support.

At the same time, I am building toward other paths that may give my work more room to breathe as well.

I am working on adding a commission and merch page to my website. I would truly love more commission work and broader creative projects-whether that is custom illustration, character/creature art, visual design, or whimsical little ideas we can explore together.

I have also been presented with a possible creative teaching opportunity on the horizon, though it is still too early to say much more about it.

Lastly, I have been preparing for a merch rack in a new art space beside Little Blue Bakehouse in Raleigh. The opening date is still to be determined, but I am hopeful about the chance to fill a physical corner with art, charms, stickers, and all the whimsical things I love to make.

One careful step back into reality

This Saturday June 27, I will be set up at OUT! Raleigh Pride with my full set up. I am both super excited but majorly anxious.

This will be my first full event back after all the health nonsense and I am treating it as a careful step rather than a comeback. I am not saying everything is normal, but I am showing up as honestly and authentically as I can- supplies packed, art growing, and a great deal of hope tucked in.

At the edge

I may not be fully out of the Nameless Wood yet...But I am reaching the edge and can see sunlight. I can feel a breeze from the open space ahead and I recognize the small pieces of myself again.

A sketch; an idea; a possible path...

To anyone else trying to run a small business while their body, brain, or life in general has rewritten the rules: I see you. You are not failing - you are adapting to a new pace. You are no less devoted because you have a need for adaptation. Sometimes survival looks very little like progress from the outside BUT survival is STILL movement.

Thank you for being here while I find my way through this Nameless Wood.

Please follow along for updates, share this post with someone who may need it, and reach out if you have a question, commission idea, creative project, or event inquiry.

I am still here.

The work is still available.

I am just finding their names again.